Last week, while attending a family gathering, the conversation predictably got around to what each of us was doing. When my turn came I mentioned my website: www.StephenSmoke.com. All eyes looked back at me as though I was speaking in a foreign tongue. No one had heard of my site, let alone visited it. How could friends and family possibly find me hidden behind such a complicated URL? (Later that night when I downloaded Google Analytics and signed in for the first time, it became clear that my relatives were not alone in their ignorance of my site.)
One tech-savvy relative un-holstered her iPhone, tapped in my name and announced to the not-too-surprised throng that my site didn’t even come up on Google. I looked at her phone and reminded her that my first name was not spelled with a “V.” It was not surprising that this particular relative didn’t know how to spell my name. She didn’t know how to spell a lot of things.
Another relative proudly weighed in, saying that he had supported my creative efforts by downloading a feature film I’d written and directed. Of course, he added that he had downloaded it for free. Apparently the words “payment” and “royalty” had not factored into his display of support. Nor had the word “theft.”
The next day I decided that instead of brooding about my situation, I would capitalize on it. If no one ever came to my site, that fact alone must be of value to someone. For example, my site could be the perfect place for a person trying to hide an important document. What about undercover agents and whistleblowers? I could target the cheating spouse market – they always had things to hide. The list of people who wanted to keep secrets was virtually endless. And I owned the perfect hiding place.
My home page could be transformed into a secret vault and I could sell off chunks of it, one megabyte at a time. After all, no one ever saw my home page. Apparently, according to Google Analytics, not even by accident. In fact, I could use my Google Analytics page as my major selling tool. What better place to hide a document than a place no one ever goes?
If you’re taking me seriously, please don’t. But then, in order to find someone who would not see this piece as – at least an attempt at – satire, would require the “law of large numbers” to kick in.
Which, obviously…
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